Having recently moved to a new city and meeting a whole new group of fabby girls on my course, I have found myself repetitively telling the story of how Lance won and then broke my heart. Where I thought I was completely over him, I now find myself thinking about him non-stop. And of course, my memories are not realistic. As with most break ups, the memories of arguments, tensions and shitty times fade away, but the memories of the amazing sex, the cute intricacies and in-jokes, the surprise trip to New York, all come flooding back and replay in your mind like the menu page of a DVD which you’re too hungover to get up and turn off.

I was experiencing the breakup all over again. Despite having deleted Lance’s number in a rare moment of strength and rational thought, drunk Alexa found his number in an old Whatsapp conversation and began again with the pathetic “I miss you” texts. By the good grace of friendship my new girl gang saw the mess I was in and enforced a complete De-Lancing of my phone. The photos which I couldn’t bare to part with are now no-more.. they even cleared my recently deleted folder so that they weren’t recoverable.

Both the re-birth of my break-up woes and on speaking to other heart broken ladies has lead me to create this post, The Stages of a Breakup, inspired by the Seven Stages of Grief.

1. Denial:


On the night that Lance broke up with me, I asked him to stay on FaceTime with me until I fell asleep. Sad, right? I suppose I wanted one more night of

living in the false reality where I still had a sexy American boyfriend. Surely this must be the long-distance version of break-up sex.

2. Pain & Bargaining:

Then entered the next morning. You know when you wake up after something bad happens, and it takes you 20 seconds while you’re waking up to remember what it was – It’s like the opposite of waking up from a nightmare. The next week was pretty horrendous, a lot of bitching, crying and wine-ing. Thankfully I was working A LOT which took my mind off things, but did not allow for the girl-time I was desperately needing. During this stage you can’t help but ask yourself questions about what you did wrong, what makes you so unlovable, whether you can change something and make them realise they’ve made a huge mistake. This is when the desperate texts started.


3. Anger:

This stage is the most important in the recovery process. I always tell my friends this is the point they need to get to as fast as possible, you need to hate them with all your might. If you can’t get to this stage organically, you need to start writing a list or visualising everything you disliked about them, every ridiculous argument you had and every time you asked yourself why you were with them.

4. Depression:

At this point, you’ve realised you’re not getting back together and you’re starting to realise it’s probably a good thing. But the thought of being back on the market and attempting to look for a connection like the one you had, all over again is the most depressing thing of all. It’s easy to flick back to Pain and Bargaining during this stage.

5. Fuck them, I’ll fuck everyone else:

Perhaps as a coping strategy, you start to tell yourself you’re ready to move on, you love being single, you’re a sexually enlightened beast with however many months of exclusivity having held you back. You find someone to fuck, and you will be disappointed. Obviously. Relationship sex is about 5000x better than first-time sex, legitimate fact. Post shit-sex, you will find yourself wondering if you lost your sexual soulmate in the breakup. It’s easy to be disheartened by this experience, my advice is don’t rush into anything you’re not ready for.

6. Clarity:

Finally you realise.. you were absolutely fine before you ever met them, and you will be absolutely fine again in their absence.

Ridiculous confession time: I must have gone straight back to the Denial stage since reentering this process in recent weeks. My ex is Jewish and I have thus downloaded a Jewish dating app in some kind of misguided attempt to find a new Lance.


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