A male friend of mine, Matt, had a rather sinister experience recently, with Tinder to thank for it. He had matched with a “reasonably attractive” girl and they decided to meet up… at her house… because her parents were away… Now if thats not an invitation to fuck, I don’t know what is. Unfortunately for Matt, on arrival it became clear that he had been semi-catfished. Not fully catfished, because the photos on her Tinder were genuinely photos of herself, but they were craftily taken and very very flattering. I hate to comment on a girls looks as though that is her worth, but it’s important for me to express Matt’s thought processes to get the full comedic value of this story. Painfully awkward Tinder greeting out of the way, they went straight to her bedroom, because, Tinder. After 5 minutes of difficult “first date” conversation, not helped by Matt’s internal panic at the situation, this girl pounced onto him for a propa snog. Next thing Matt knew, he was fingering her.. natural progression? Don’t ask.
It took Matt a further 5 minutes to reassess the situation, and realise he felt a little “violated”. He told the girl he needed a pee, went to the bathroom and had one of those ‘looking in the mirror and wondering what your life has become’ moments. He crept out of the house without saying goodbye.
But the cherry on top of this story is this: On the drive home, a mentally vulnerable Matt decided he needed a fag to calm down, and while rolling, he noticed that the plaster which had been previously located on his finger was missing. Lost forever inside the catfish.

This story, to me, depicts all of the worst things about Tinder:

The hook up culture
“Netflix and chill” what if I actually just want to watch a film and chill out? Sounds bloody brilliant to me, but we all know what this really means. And now I feel like I couldn’t invite a boy over to watch a film without him naturally assuming I just want to bone.

Maybe i’m old fashioned, but the thought of meeting a stranger for sex does not appeal to me at all. I need to find out whether I fancy them first, and then build up some kind of connection to even want their trowser snake anywhere near me.

And then there’s the ones that don’t even come up with a pretence..


The mystery of who you’re really going to meet
A few weeks ago I downloaded tinder to give it one more shot. I hit it off chatting away to 6’6 Scottish engineer, the conversation was amazing so I thought, fuck it, I’ll meet him. The date was also great, we were laughing from the get go. But as is the trouble with Tinder, you are meeting a stranger, there’s no guarantee that you’ll actually fancy each other; yeah I got on great with this guy, but I could never got on naked with him. You could meet 20 guys in one night out and filter out the occasional one that you actually have chemistry with to commit more time to. So why would you commit to 20 whole dates with strangers from tinder to try and work out if you have a spark with any of them, that’s 20 whole evenings you could have been drinking wine and watching sex and the city with your housemates.
Needless to say I deleted tinder the following day.

The shit chat
Starting off online conversations with strangers is awkward, weird or creepy 99% of the time. Will guys please at least think of something interesting to say if you really want to make an impression. And I’m putting the onus on the boys to do this because lets be honest, they are more Tinder hungry than we.


Personally, whenever I download tinder, I go from happily single to desperate and desperately lowering my standards in a matter of a few swipes. It must be some kind of sub-conscious negative feedback loop from phone to brain about ones fabulousness.
My advice, unless you’re some kind of Tinder wizard or are just enjoying it for the laughs, stay away.