I’ve got a boner to pick with you

Theres something boys do which really riles me. I’m sure we’ve all experienced this. You’re giving him a BJ, you’re just getting you’re mojo, and the mofo grabs the back of your head and starts pushing you up and down. Mate. If i’m giving you a blowie, i’ve got a plan, I’ve got a ryhthm. This all involves a system and let’s face it, no one can’t go that hard for 15 minutes straight. If you grab my head and start “guiding” me, the quality of the blowie you are receiving has just dropped by 80%. I wouldn’t mash your face into my lady business and expect you to do a good job, and even if I could, I wouldn’t pound surprise rods down your throat while you’re trying to do something nice for me.

Samantha says it best:

Lights On, Lights Off

Mood lighting is essential, but pitch black: hell no. I haven’t popped out 5 kids and I haven’t been on this earth long enough for anything to sag (even if this is the case, then you should be hella proud of yourself and your accomplished body). I work quite hard to keep myself roughly in shape and if you don’t want to see my curves and womanly bits while we have sex, then why are we having sex? Granted it is rare for a 20s guy to turn off all the lights, but this has happened to me. And all that I had to say to my girls when they asked me how it was the next day, is “he turned off all the lights”, and they knew exactly how it had been.

Post-Sex Chat and Cuddles

These are the best conversations you will ever have. I hate it when people jump straight out of bed afterwards. Fair enough if you need to have a little clean up and post-sex-pee,  you don’t wanna be getting a UTI now do you. But get back in bed for that snuggle after, and talk about smurfs and The Land Before Time, how you used to collect beanie babies, why you have a phobia of peanut butter, show each other music or your favourite youtube videos. After the intimacy of sex the conversation takes on a new life.

However, if you’re avoiding getting attached to the person whom you’re sleeping with, get straight out and stay out. This is a legit scientific fact, your body produces oxytocin during orgasm (more so in women than men), Oxytocin is a bonding chemical and makes you feel attached to your “counterpart”, even if it was a casual thing and you knew it – oxytocin doesn’t distinguish between loyal partners and random shags, so you’ll have to keep your own conscious guard up.spoonboner


A total minefield: What to do with the lady garden. Boys on the whole seem to want a barren desert, devoid of any whisps or god forgive us, luscious lawns. And I must admit, I usually adhere to this wish, I understand that if they are going to be getting up that close to your glorious vajay, they don’t want a forrest between their teeth. However, no one should feel like they have to conform to the porn norm (poetic real-talk). The only reason that the “Hollywood” is even a thing is so that guys can see more of the action during a porno. In actual fact, pubic hair is there to do a really important job: it both provides a cushion from friction AND wafts your sexy pheromones around (easy explanation: pheromones are the smells that attract us to each other). So actually, maybe pubes are the sexiest way forward. I guess this one is personal preference.


Mood Music

I have had it suggested to me that it is acceptable to have the TV on during sex “just for a bit of background sound”. Excuse me, no. Take it from someone who’s listened to David Attenborough describe how leopard slugs who are looking for a lay, give their slime trail a special taste, which the lucky pursuer has an advisory nibble on whilst chasing said horny slug, until when caught, the two slugs wind round and round each other before sliding down a rope of mucous, while trying to make a good impression during sex with a new boyfriend, TV ain’t sexy. And in this scenario, giggling to David’s dulcet tones and gross content isn’t either.

I’d reccomend getting a good sexy sex playlist involving a lot of RnB and chilled house prepared instead.